Feature Article: The Dogma jacks the karma and runs over YOU
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     It's been many months delayed, what with Disney pussying out and
such, but Dogma is finally out in the theaters! Here's what It all has to
do with me.
     I go to my school newspaper, and I ask if I can write the Dogma
review, or at least the article about it. To my (I don't wanna say
surprise, but more some along the lines of "What the hell is wrong with
you!!!"), they say they don't have to room for the review, since they're
already reviewing "American Beauty" and "For Love of the Game."
     "American Beauty," I can understand, since people have been telling
me it's pretty good. But "For Love of the Game"?!?! That Kevin Costner
piece of crap?!?! Now, don't get me wrong, I like Costner. If you've ever
seen the perennial favorites "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" or "Field of
Dreams," you know he can make good movies. (personally, I think "The War"
was his best work.) but "Love of the Game" was more annoying than Walt
Flannagan and Steve-Dave combined!\
     So I take my case to the Opinions editor, and he says sure, I can
write an article about it, but I have to form some kind of opinion about
the movie, like, oh, The Catholic League is overreacting! Which is just
what I write about. And lo and behold, my article is so well-liked that I
get an entire column on the front page and a continue! ( This is all
good, if you couldn't tell. )
     But what else did I do connected to this movie the movie? Well, I
went east to Red Bank and visited Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash! I
even got to meet Walt Flanagan himself! And yes, he is as anal about his
comics as his ViewAskewniverse fan-boy counterpart. So in preparation, I
got the screenplays for the Jersey Trilogy and ashirt for myself
w/Dante's lament on it. ("I'm not even supposed to be here today!") I'm
planning to make another trip up, get some Christmas presents.
     So then I go to the comic store (staying true to my geek roots) and
lo and behold, my clerk friend gives me the Dogma shirt that I put on
order! It's all coming together! The shirt is the yellow one, with the
road sign on it; the big feature is that Interstate-Infinity is only 35
miles away . . .

News Boxers
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     12 Angry Men has been postponed. Unfortunately, our most important
part, juror #8, was abandoned by the actor. He got all high and mighty on
us, like he's better than us. Scrawny bastard . . .
     Had my MIT interview last month. Jizus, It went really bad. I kept
on getting the impression that he didn't think that MIT was the right
place for me. But it's half true, the big reason I wanted to go to MIT
was to get into the Cambridge area. Whatever. Like I wanna go to a geek
college, where I'd look . . . even . . . cooler . . . hmmmm . . .
     Got the trade paperback for the Jay & Silent Bob comic book
miniseries. It covers everything that happens between "Chasing Amy" and
their first scene in "Dogma." It even explains what da fuck was up with
that scene with Suzanne the orangutan at the end of Mallrats . . .
     Actually getting into that Pokemon Thing. Guess that's what I get
for hanging out in a comic book store that sells Pokemon cards, and being
too lazy to turn off theTV after Batman Beyond. Or it could be I have a
prediliction towards stuffing cherub-like animals into tiny little balls
. . .
     Speaking of anime, Mononoke Hime (Princess Mononoke, to you Japanese
impaired) is out in major cities in the U.S., and a couple of smaller
towns. It's most definitely a great film. If you like anime of any type,
you'll like this movie. If you like cartoons of any type, you'll like
this movie. If you like nature myths of any type, you'll like this movie.
If you like seeing lots and lots of wild boars . . . well, you get the
idea. But this is a really great flick on many levels. It was #1 film OF
ALL TIME in Japan for a while, beaten out only by Titanic (something
about Japanese girls and Leo). Go see this flick if you can. It's time
well spent . . .
     Of course, I went to see Dogma. An unfortunate series of events kept
the reuniting of the Jersey Brothers. Seems T-Smoove is trying to stay on
his parents' good graces, and Rice had last minute stuff. But I still
went to see it . . .
     Had my first date in a long time. That's all I'm saying about that . . .

I will tell you nothing about the plot. But I will tell you lots of
stuff about or in the movie, most of which will make no sense without
proper context. here goes: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Chris Rock, Salma
Hayak, Jason Mews, Kevin Smith, Jason Lee, Janenne Garafolo, George
Carlin, Alanis Morrisette, Walt Flanagan, Jeff Anderson, Brian
O'Halloran, Stygian Triplets, the Voice, Skee Ball, raining Sulfur, the
golden calf, Voodoo, Alice in Wonderland, Egga-Mooby-Muffin, infallible,
loose women, John Hughes, Milwaukee, fish, 11-year-old-boy, and of
course, NEW JERSEY!
AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CAMEOS
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SAY WHAT?!
     Keeping with the spirit of the "review," I'll just throw a bunch of
lines you have to look forward to. At least the ones I can remember.
They're not all funny ones, so I'm not already telling you the best
jokes.
     "Snootch to the mutha-fuckin-Nootch!"
     "No ticket."
     "I didn't start a few fires, I rained down sulfur. There's a
difference."
     "The blessid evil of central air" (can't remember this one very
clearly)
     "You sound like the Morning Star."
     "I would have taken that sperm" (this one's written, not said.)
     "Know Jesus? Nigga owes me 12 dollars!"
     "I'd like to order a Holy Bartender."
     What the hell. Send me a list of who said what, I'll buy you a Dogma
bumper sticker. Yeah, it's another of those half-ass contests of mine . . .