Feature Article: Declaration of Independence
-------------------------------------------------------------
     At 11:14 PM, Thursday, September 21, 2000, a day that will live in
infamy. One man stood against the tides of peers and hormones and stood
his ground. On this day, Lukas Chen swore off women. Which is not to say
I am homosexual. Sorry, but the idea of kissing a fellow man just doesn't
appeal to me.
     I think it's safe to say that it all started back on September 2nd,
the very first day I moved onto the Homewood Campus. As part and parcel
of the entire orientation process, the organizers held a luau-themed
dance. It was there that I met Grace. NO, not the Korean Grace whom I
attended many a CTY session with and spend many of my days wondering
whatever happened to her, but Grace, the cute petite girl from Hong Kong.
Over the next weeks, I developed a crush on her. Maybe it was the English
accent (lord knows it's part of the I appeal I have for Emma Thompson),
or the fact that out of all my female friends on campus, I could only act
flirty with her, or perhaps it was because I was stupid. In any case, I
began to develop the idea of asking her out.
     No good war is carried out without first studying you enemy. With
this proverb in my head, I decided to try to get to know her better. Last
night, such an opportunity presented itself. My good friend Io from high
school had planned to rendezvous with Grace for a study session last
night (Thursday, 09-21). Toting my Hong Kong Crime Cinema text book, I
decided to tag along. Therein lies the fault in my logic.
     I spent nearly the entire time trying to lose myself in the career
studies of Chow-Yun Fat and John Woo. Mere feet away, Grace spent her
hours not practicing Japanese but talking about Lawrence. Lawrence, Io's
roommate, whom she had spent obsession over since nearly day one.
Lawrence, whom she hated for being such a bastard, and loved for being
such a babe. Lawrence, whom she had offended by calling a prick. And what
of my own feelings? Did I play the part of wishy-washy Lukas, silently
moping? Or perhaps the two-faced Lukas, laughing along with her
conversation, each word a white hot needle in my heart? No, I had but
only mood and thought for most of the night, even if I chose not to voice
it.
     "Please please please please please, will somebody shut her up!"
     That's right. I did not feign ignorance, nor did I practice duality.
I was just annoyed. It didn't hurt that she obviously like Lawrence; I've
had plenty of experience in that situation before. I just kept thinking
"Shut up shut up shut up!" That's right. I have reached the point where
my soul is calloused and indifferent from all the wacky situations I've
experienced, soap operas and all. An so I decided, when I came home that
night, I would never again pursue another woman.
     I've really thought it out this time. What is it that I have, or
lack, that makes me so unattractive to the female species?
Self-sufficiency. Even when I joked about it, bantering back and forth
with my customary "You know what we need? Women." I carried a deep
underlying sense of dependency of approval from the opposite sex. Never
very potent or worrisome, I still held a fear that I would never know
what it's like to buy your girlfriend flowers, just because you saw them
and they reminded you of her, or look up apologetically from the earrings
that you had attempted to make for her, or merely being able to sneak up
behind her, embracing her from behind and whisper "How is it that a guy
like me is so lucky?" And I guess that fear was justified, because I was
never that lucky.
     The last time I was in love, there was never any real conclusion.
Even though she loved me, and I her, our parents would have gone
ballistic if they knew we had a thing for each, leaving the summer
unresolved. Before that, I was pretty head over heals for a girl, but
that came to an abrupt halt in late March. And before that was a two year
gap during which I was absent from the dating scene (absent in the sense
that I didn't think about it... much). Those years weren't that bad. I
wasn't euphorically happy, but I never really sank into a deep
depression, only temporary periods of blue funk, easily remedied by minor
distractions like movies or video games (or music video making).
     I need to capture those times again. I can't just live my life going
from crush to crush. I have to live for myself. Just like those two
years, I could be content with my situation. And for most of the summer,
I found myself like this again. But the sudden and surprising situation a
girl liking me back must have thrown me off balance. So I have to start
over from square one. Which means that, at least for now, no girls.
     Or guys.